I wonder what must’ve gone through the heads of Iran’s leaders after reading Senator Tom Cotton’s “open letter to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran.”
I took a look at the letter, and I’m pretty sure old Tom Cotton from Arkansas must have, at one point, written for the Onion. After all, the whole thing is uncomfortably laughable.
I’m not exactly sure what the leaders of Iran thought when they read the letter, but I’m guessing their thought processes went something like this …
Finding Solace in Bubbles of Ignorance
The letter begins …
It has come to our attention while observing your nuclear negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand our constitutional system. Thus, we are writing to bring to your attention two features of our Constitution—the power to make binding international agreements and the different character of federal offices—which you should seriously consider as negotiations progress.
Iranian Response: Yeah, I actually do fully understand your constitutional system because I’m an educated individual and actually know things about other cultures and governments. Unlike many Americans, who find great solace in their giant bubbles of ignorance.
Then there’s this paragraph …
What these two constitutional provisions mean is that we will consider any agreement regarding your nuclear-weapons program that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President Obama and Ayatollah Khamenei. The next president could revoke such an executive agreement with the stroke of a pen and future Congresses could modify the terms of the agreement at any time.
Iranian Response: Oh, I understand. So you’re saying that any agreement I make with your president is irrelevant. Thanks for clearing that up, Opie. But the funny thing is, we don’t really give a fuck because it’s not for you or any other parasite bureaucrat to dictate to us what we can and cannot build.
And this paragraph …
We hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our constitutional system and promotes mutual understanding and clarity as nuclear negotiations progress.
Iranian Response: Well, I certainly was pining for a letter that would enrich my knowledge of your constitutional system. I do feel complete now. Fucking moron.
An Open Letter to Congress
This whole letter thing is just so bizarre, and really sheds a light on how out-of-control this country has become.
Can you imagine if other countries sent us letters like that one?
I want to see a similar letter from Iran, addressed to Congress.
Dear U.S. Congress,
It has come to our attention while observing your nuclear negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand the fact that you have absolutely no right to tell us how to power our country or defend it.
Indeed, the existence of nuclear weapons makes us all less safe. Which is why we often wonder how you can bully other countries around, warning the world about the dangers of nuclear weapons, but you continue to build and maintain your own massive nuclear arsenal.
You claim that the Middle East is an unstable region. While this may be true, wouldn’t it be safe to say that much of this instability can be traced back to psychotic western leaders who have infiltrated our land to ensure your soccer moms and self-important politicians can drive around in gas-guzzlers without a care in the world.
The truth is, the only reason we’re even in negotiations is because you carry a bigger stick.
In any event, we just wanted to let you know that while we’re sure many Americans are wonderful people who just want to live in peace – just like most Iranian people – it is because of your actions that such peace cannot exist.
We hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our attitudes toward your incessant bullying and promotes mutual understanding and clarity as nuclear negotiations progress.
Hugs and Kisses,