Illegals rounded up! If you can read this, we are screwed!


Last week I saved the world from my mobile device. Please, please, no need to thank me. Insert dramatic pausing sigh. My miracle happened like this. I was on Facebook minding everyone else’s business. I saw this post in a local county community page. I’ve included a couple of posts so you can read in context like I did. I’ve included some notes to set the mood.

  1. “Loose black cow on idlewild and park Vista”
    3 responses, seems to be under control no need to expand this tab. Moooving on.
  2. “The cheese plant is hiring for seasonal help”
    I should call them and ask if they have a cutter position open. Rim tap.
  3. “Anyone having issues with their SkyBest cable going in and out, or is it just me?”
    Did you try turning it off and back on again?
  4. “Hey everybody, just a heads up. There is a police roadblock on 321 and they are searching and rounding up illegals. Wanted y’all to be careful.”

Well that escalated quickly. This was the morning of the Trump election by the way. You’re probably asking me, “Oh my god, what did you do?!” Well, calm down, calm down. I took care of it. I made a sober comment about how there was a traffic stop and they were looking for a suspect of a local robbery. Whew right?! I mean, we could have lost this whole thing right there. I changed back into my civilian clothes and headed out for the day.

Here are some facts that I should mention. First, I have no idea who posted that last one. I can’t see his profile now or I’d elaborate. Second fact, my response was a lie. I had no knowledge of his knowledge and I certainly had no knowledge of mine. Third, any other reader is now in my same predicament but with a factor of two. They have no idea who posted it, plus they have no idea who I am.

So the person is now walking away more than likely with one of these two truths. Stay with me dear readers. My point is crowning.

Exit belief 1.) They are rounding up immigrants on 321, Trump wasn’t f’ing around and, well. It’s time to find a Mad Max appropriate codpiece. Black is a good choice for flexibility.

Exit belief 2.) Some responsible citizen was at that very same roadblock and the cops told him they were looking for a suspect. He has taken the time to set the record straight. Bless him.

I’d say that 93% of the people would probably end up on one of these two beliefs and would continue through the day with this new information. But there’s a hole here. Why would 7% not fit into either one? I need this sentence here because a lightbulb ding only happens when you step away then back into the circle… Wait, I see where you are going here. The super hero is telling me there was no spoon. Belief 3 is the concept that there was never a roadblock to begin with. That means the first guy was lying about 321 being congested. But it also means the next guy (me) was lying too?! What the frack am I supposed to believe now? The answer, my friend, to what are you supposed to believe is absolutely nothing.

If this strikes you profoundly, welcome to the Alt-Up movement. More of a camp really. But we’ve been waiting for you. We don’t care what colors your last gang flew. Here’s some sage I just found and a fist bump cuz I’m cooking. Some guys over there are about to gather some wood. The kitchen is over here, you do have a bowl right? You’ll need that. The quartermaster shed is behind the barn. Rabbit gets insulted about extension cords so return them coiled to stay friendly. Are you crying, aww, come here. You sounded like me when I got here last Thursday.

But Whodunit?

If you are looking for someone to blame you might think going to the first poster would settle it. Since we don’t know the culprit, we can certainly look to who would want to do it. I doubt this covers all possibilities but certainly a few:

1.) Someone who truly hated undocumented workers

2.) Some who truly loved undocumented workers

3.) A disgruntled and networked groundhog wanting to graze in peace for a few hours on 321.

4.) Someone who ate too much professional media and projected the indigestion on Facebook.

We will never know. Now this one was an easy one. It’s Facebook. But take this truth that occurred on Tuesday and multiply it tenfold by giving it sponsors, a set, a charismatic broadcaster and a million bloggers regurgitating every thought regardless of the coherency. How easy is it now to distinguish? We all know the truth lies somewhere between Soros, Ailes and a groundhog bicycling his thumbs and laughing maniacally.

About Author

A mushroom lurking under the canopy of southern appalachia.