Vermin Supreme For President; New Hampshire Primary


Anyone with $1,000 can run for President of the United States in the historic New Hampshire Primary, as Vermin Supreme–and hundreds of other lesser know candidates over the years–demonstrates.

My name is Vermin Supreme, I’m running for President of America. In 2012 I received approximately 833 votes on the Democratic (ballot). It put me in third place just right behind Barack Obama and some other guy.

In New Hampshire, it takes a thousand large, a 1,000 bucks will get you on the ballot here. That’s all. That’s why I’m on the ballot, that’s why 40 other people are on the ballot, because it’s the most accessible ballot in the United States.

I stand for four basic things. They are as follows:

Free ponies for all Americans.

Story-Crafters: What is the economic implications for your free pony platform?

Vermin Supreme: It’s a little Keynesian I’ll admit. For the amount of money that spent for any government program, pretty much every American can have their own pony. Their own free pony health care.

Story-Crafters: So basically you believe in giving people a free ride.

Vermin Supreme: Well not a free…well yes, I guess the pony…they would ride the pony, I guess you could put it in that fashion.

Oh, that was a gotcha question.

Mandatory tooth brushing sir. It’s not about the secret dental police kicking down your door at 3am to make sure you and your family brush. It’s about strong teeth for a strong America.

Story-Crafters: But what about the slippery slope argument?

Vermin Supreme: Of course, tooth paste, spit, you have to watch where you spit, otherwise you slip.

Story-Crafters: No, flossing.

Vermin Supreme: Flossing. It will pass the House, never pass the Senate. I’m sorry, it just the way things are. Political reality.

Zombie preparedness.

Time travel research. Fully funding time travel research. Every government needs a boondoggle and that will be mine.

Story-Crafters: Time travel, first in the past?

Vermin Supreme: In the future, to the past and back again.

Story-Crafters: That sounded a little wishy-washy. The future, the past; it sounds like you just want to give people what they want to hear?

Vermin Supreme: This interview is over. I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of you and the media and your whiny ass questions and your nitpicking and trying to nail me down and ask me questions that I don’t know the questions to, or could care less. I refuse to cooperate with my own stupidity.